Day for praying..

Qing Ming,

One of the Chinese yearly occasion, youngs, adults and the old folks.. Go praying at the cemetery. As usual, my family always does this occasion after the actual day to avoid the hectic jam and crowds.. But this year we met the crowd.. and stuck in the jam. Guess everyone is praying a weekend later to prevent the hectic jam. But turn up unexpectedly!

This year Qing Ming turns out to be a good day of get together. At each of the graveyards we went, we spent a longer time there this year, all was busy doing the cleaning, grass cutting, painting, praying, serving the food and burning the materials. And the olds and adults start to teach the younger generation about the tradition of praying, recognizing the cemetery of our ancestors. At least grandma did not grumble or complain we come back early.. as in we caught in the jam and we took approximate 4 hours to accomplish the process.

But very weird thinking I have every year at this time, maybe I have see my grandpa condition as very critical. Really hate myself to have this type of thinking. Dunno since when,, after every year of Qing Ming, I had always afraid that I will need to pray my Grandpa next year on these day.. but, of course please touch wood and crossed my fingers.. saying no for that..

Dedication to grandpa,

It has been 3 years you surviving in the condition you are now. We glad we still have you around these days with us. We should be grateful..

But it was pain and hurt enough to see the condition you are nowadays. You was a strong man before and now you dun even have energy to stand or walk on ur own nor to eat or speak your mind of to us. Everyday we can only able to serve you the best with meals, a lazy chair for laying down. Seeing you eating so many medicine just to prolong your life and not enjoying every moments of your life.. really make us wonder are we doing the correct thing..

Sometimes I feel really useless. Cause really nothing I can do for you.. A least before this, when u are in pain, I can drive you to the doctor. When u complain of your legs , can get you some massagers. When u need help, u will voice it out.. But now.. really nothing I can do more.. Sometimes, you dun even recognize me or even wan to open your eye to see us or to talk to us. Sometimes, really really hope u know what we trying to talk to you..

I still remember last year during my convocation day, I kneel in front of you telling you that I finally graduated from the university. You didn’t give me any reaction and I dunno whether you know about it or not. But in my heart I really hope you know. Cause still fresh in mind, the first day I pack my stuffs and ready to go off to register to the university, you still in good health and you walk to me, give me a two hundreds dollars to buy things I needed and reminded me to study hard. I am really touched and I promise myself on my day of graduation I will take my grandma and grandpa together with me. But unfortunately, after a short period of this, on my day of graduation he no longer can walk or even know what really happening around him. Sometimes he does and sometimes he does not. And of course the promise cannot be fulfill and it is a regrets.

But at least, sometimes the condition does not be so bad.. as we consider u can recognize or know whats going on, when u give us a simple smile. And of course I hope that u always will..