Be positive...

I hope i will be positive...

things does not come my way.. Really full of downs... I realize I wonder... I am confused..

I hope someone telling me why...

I hope she bring the lights to me but she didnt..

Am I not that important and Am i actually being taken for granted.. I just hope to gain some respect and be treat better.. but am i being a fool again???

Am i being too close to you that u taken for granted to release all your unhapppiness to me.. or actually is me that cause u all the stress that u hardly put a smile to me..

While your main priority is just always him.. While i am just little potato to run all the chaos and just part of your pieces u use.. Am I???

I hope not.. or i shall said i wish u said NOT..

Tears had come enough.. Please do not flood once more...

Career and Humanity

A few post about my past.. maybe a post on my current and future...

Hahaha.. i also dunno..

actually there is really to post here.. But pro and cons.. as they will lots to reflect back once i post.. Do i really wan to reflect myself to look at the reality that i am trying to hide.

Unanswered..

Anyway.. my current career... really a big change.. I do not know correct or wrong.. nor there is an opportunity for me to look back or stop and consider..

I always think not to think much and go on.. cause i know there is so much there is pulling me back and not letting me a chance to consider a yes or no.. Cause i am not willing to be force to that extreme..

And i know if i do.. A "NO" i hurt plenty of people.. I hurt myself and yet the one that i always hope I not too.. "Her"..

But this does not stop from thinking what i am really doing.. I try very hard to get the answer i cant. I try find the answer from my boss my superior.. but unfortunately.. and most surprise.. no answer from them.. They also DUNNO.. So does that mean a real problem!!! I really do not want to answer.. I am hopeless..

Things are challenging here in my career.. i am not sure whether am i just working or building a career or am i put everything on table to gamble...I have nno idea.. I obviously know i am LOSt.. Lost with no returns..

Working environment changess, working authorities and working pattern change.. More and more i realize is not who i am.. or what and who i wish i am.. Environment and social impact.. I need to adapt to survive.. I do not like myself to be like that.. I hope i can be myself.. but things are telling me i cant... Everyday to work, is like putting ur mask..

Really different, work with her i feel so relax and i can be myself.. but to work with him.. I jsut need to pretend and continue pretending to be someone he want me to be.. And for a simple reason, i need to continue waht i am doing was because i need to do it for her as she need to rely on him..

So, there is no more excuses to be argue but to be what it is...

She have faith on me.. She help me a lot.. She teach me a lot.. and think highly on me.. If i ever fall I know she will be deeply saddened and upset.. So how can i hurt her even once!!!

Delifrance Malaysia

It had been about half a year that i left this place... But unfortunately the pain does not heal yet till today... and i am going to put this down here hoping that i will put down this as how i put down them in letter here...

A place that i serve the longest at this moment of my career... A place that i learn a lot.. learn to be aggresive, learn about politics, learn from real colleagues.. Learn about different area of work, learn about respect and learn about craps that all around..

Most important the last few months i left, i learn about how real politics can be and how peope react against power and humanity.. What kind of people... who is really good to you and who is really fake to you.. all is out.. Hoe they treat me like a theft.. How they push me in the room and question you?? And how i survive without the big tree - my superior that reallly appreciate me and never take me for granted.. all really give me a big impact..

Never expect can be so realistic... And no humanity.. How they treat old staff and people that really work day and night for them.. Is all count nothing.. at the end,I just leave like a theft..

And how miserable a higher position personnel need to leave the subordinate behind.. How heavy heart... I just cant imagine.. Me only with 3 musketeers with me.. I have such a heavy heart.. Tears just keep hunting me.. But thanks to this bunch that always by my side to cherish me throught the day and make my day easier..

What a big mistake!!

Reading the last two blog that i had here.. make me realize it is actually such a big mistake of me to have my biggest concern about you. Reading the blog on how sorry i was to concern and worry how do i tell you that i am leaving.. is really such a big mistake..

After i left and after so many months and finally the reality is out.. Now it make me understand your messenger message should i leave or stay.. I always thought u are the innocent one and i felt so sorry bout you.. but unluckily.. I was wrong.. I was the fool again.. I just didnt realize u kept such a big secret behind.. and most importantly.. I take ur words so heavily and hold dearly that u mean it. But everything just throw to my face that u really really take me for granted...

What hurt me most.. not the politics or tactics that u ever use to survive in the office or your position.. but is the way u take granted of our friendship.. It really really hurts..

A person that highly engraved with friendship ever tag up with someone that take friendship is nothing but more of a tool to secure your own position...

I am even that fool to choose to believe you and ended up not believe my own superior.. protected u in front of my own superior that always stand by me and belief me... I choose to believe you rather than her... What a big fool!!! I am really wrong and u are the one that proof me wrong!!

Is really cruel of you this young lady... You tear off our friendship... for once and more!!!!

Should i Stay or Leave??

I am so sorry to read this statement on your messenger..

I even not dare to click on you to talk about this issue. I hope i can tell you everything but unfortunately I cant. Really a big burden on me.. From early stage i start thinking how should i talk to you about this.

In term of our friendship i should tell you, in term of professionalism, I should not.. It is such a big dillemma on me. I really dunno how to react to this. I really hope you can understand my dillemma.

I have try my best to reduce the damage or burden as much as I can. You may not know What i have done for you behind.. is not important but as long as I can help as much i can.. And I sure will.. But there is too many things uncontrollable by me.. No right for me to interfere certain things..

And i am still waiting the day that i can tell you everything.. But just that i do not know, if u still treat me as your fren on that day. you may thought i am cruel to you, and not helping by informing you earlier so that u can start preparing.. But i really really cant say much.. As i know i always being taken granted by you.. And this time, I cant do the same fool things as the impact is too big that dragging in too many issue behind that not only me....

Biggest sorry from me to you.... I hope we are still friends..

Heavy Heart

Heavy feeling at this very moment.

Although I am well prepare for the day, but to my surprise, i have a heavy feeling heading towards the day..

There are so many things on my burden that I heavily to let down.. People around me, buddies around me, work around me, and lots more..
I miss prettymuch things. But it is always difficult to make the first move. It really leave me with a lot of memories and lot of ups and downs. Tears that i have, laughter that i share, systems that had been work out properly, knowledge that given to me.. That i hope I will not leave behind.

After tomorrow, the countdown will start pretty fast.. and the real character of people will immediately appear and my feeling will be more and more mixed up.. And my days ahead are really unpredictable. It will be more challenge and more heavy for days to come..

I wish I can tell but unfortunately I cant.. This is not the way I like it to be but I need to follow the flow as it goes..

I hope the days ahead can be less challenge and easier for me to go thru...... Looking forward to end of the March..

I can be the real ME...

Not a fool again...

I ask myself once again... Am i a fool again...

Why should I?? Why me again??

I am tired.. Obviously I am... And I am so unlikely to be taken for granted once again.

People around me had been telling me, but i choose not to believe... and continue believe what u said is always true.
But again and again, I realize I had been a fool. I am upset.. REALLY upset.. I loook really stupid.. I am feeling so dumb.

Someone came to me, telling that I am someone only believe what that person tell me no matter what others told me.., Agree I am.. And this someone told me that I am not a fool but i am just not as cunning as some poeple out there is.

Do i choose to be a fool or to be a cheeky person.??

Unfortunately, till now i still wanted to be a fool in trusting that person and finding excuses as this person is not so cunning and fake as what I believe she is...

Why should i be that dumb?? No idea.. but i just rather not believing the truth... It hurts......

Finally...

Battle Start... I cant reveal.. I cant be sincere.. I cant be what I am..

What will I be..... I have no idea....

I start to be tired although I have not start fighting.. but I am pretty confuse..

Confuse..confuse and more confuse...

Human

Say Also Don’t Listen,

Listen Also Don’t Understand,

Not understand Also Don’t Ask,

Ask Also Don’t Do,

Do Also Do Wrong,

Wrong Also Don’t Admit,

Admit Also Don’t Correct,

Correct Also Not Happy,

Not Happy Also Don’t Say!

Untitled

Have been some time do not have this strong kind of feeling for blogging at this time. I guess the happenings around, the feelings and no attractions from the bed and the television that caught my attention away but to log in here to jot my words..

Feeling the blog should be untitle.. as i do not have the major topic i am writing about.. but jus about feelings. The feelings tonight seem to be silent, peaceful,relaxing and cooling!

Feeling sad.. feeling miss.. A close friend which our friendship have some cracks a year ago.. recently we solve and mend the hole.. but the time is short that it is time to say goodbye.. tomorrow she will be leaving, leaving for 3 years.. and we just met and bid farewell to each other. Although knowing that we will still keep in touch.. But there is realy a miss feeling. dunno why! Argh.. jus hate the feeling.

Maybe as grow older..i learn to appreciate relationship better. Feel that relationship cant be replace with any value. but only the value of heart. Trustworthy, concern, comfort and believe need so much time to built but cracks in relationship just need an accident or a single moment. But how many people really know or really believe in it. Sometimes jus feel maybe i believing myself or i will say i believe or trusting in a wrong way or time. I feel i am appreaciating more and more.. but people around me are making me lost of hopes!!!

I need the faith on me to continue believing.. One by one people leaving and one by one people who can be talk missing from the sight. Sometimes it feel that no longer want to talk more.But the thing to be proud, i guess i make big advancement by being enough positive. No longer crying alone, no longer waiting and looking forward for hopes.. But learnt accept it in the way it comes and tell myself about the fate of today and the changes that i must learn to accept and grow with!

Life seem better.. no more burden of desperate feeling.

But in the future, i can foresee myself standing very behind.. so far from others.. guess because i am more to a sentimental person who believe more in feeling rather than being ambitious. People at my age, all having plans for the future, all motivating themselves to earn more, to built a strong future and a strong financial. but the little mind of me.. still enjoying playing up and down, hide and seek. Not thinking further but jus work for the environment and the situation that i need to. Or searching for the experiences and things that i should learn and brush my skills on.. to be more educated in that field.

Perceptions, mind thinking.. getting more and more different from the others.. Feeling more and more akward to myself from the others. Is it the matter of myself being different or i am not up to the level.. Haha.. but i do not hope myself to be that way. Cause i guess people seem fighting for what they want, going ahead, but miss out the importance of living. But it is all depending on what is important in each life.. Someone find love, someone find money.. someone may find reputation, and someone may find abstract..hahaha.. But it much depend on how people define life.. how they want their life to be.. full of memories, full of happiness, full of gratitude, full of cherish moment or full of thigns to regret at the end of life!

Sooner i guess i will be a stranger. I am getting more and more not understand people ard me and how people not understand me. But sometimes it hurts so much when u found someone who really close with you, u found it seem so strange with him/her.. and it seem u no longer understand this person.. And this really make me in tears on the moment i found i no longer know this close friend of mine... i dun understand why i have tears.. but i did. the imporatnce that i see no longer be important to the others.. while the importance for the others i cant see the importance to me..

But i guess is the adapting process that i need to be in the society..